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“Mistress complex”: the peculiarities of the position

The relationship of lovers, like any interpersonal union, has its own peculiarities and izderzhdeniya. But the human psyche, as a rule, steadfastly strives for constancy, and not getting it, often resorts to various tricks or self-infringement. Thus, a person is born with a complex.

The concept of “complex” (from Latin complexus – connection, combination – a set of objects or phenomena that make up a whole) – in psychology – a combination of separate mental processes into a whole. According to Freud’s psychoanalysis, a complex is formed around urges that have been displaced into the unconscious (e.g., the so-called “Oedipus complex” as a result of the displacement of hostile impulses towards the father in early childhood). In A. Adler’s “individual psychology” the main role is given to the so-called “inferiority complex” – an individual’s perception of his or her organic or mental deficiencies.

Consequently, the “lover complex” is a set of certain characteristics forming a complex that correspond to a person who fits the definition of “lover”.
In turn, the very concept of “mistress” is very vague. According to this, I will propose such a definition: it is a woman who is not officially married to her partner, who, in turn, is in an official / civil marriage with another woman. Such a definition is implied precisely in the refraction to the description of the “mistress complex”. And without going into the situations in which a woman becomes a mistress (although in many topics this is of key importance), we will single out only the “mistress complex” from the conventional “love triangle” and consider it only.

Based on the above, the “mistress complex” manifests itself:
* when there is a strong desire to be a wife and, at the same time, when there is no actual possibility of becoming one,
* when a woman has been a lover in other relationships and applies this style to her current relationship,
* when there is a lack of personal fulfillment or satisfaction and, at the same time, a strong desire to get them.

It should also be taken into account that there are no “former lovers”, just as there are no “former military men” or “former doctors”, for the simple reason that the imprint in the consciousness of a person who has taken on such a key role is so strong that it is able (“post factum”: in the case of military retirement, dismissal from the medical field of a doctor or for a mistress – change of status to wife / acquaintance) to be realized in the future as a style of human behavior, i.e. an imprint on individuality.
Figuring out what is in the head of a person who fits the definition of “lover” – can be very interesting. But it is much more interesting to determine some peculiarities in behavior and their causes.
On this basis, the Center for the Study of Personality (CSP) conducted a study of the above-mentioned complex, namely, breaking it down into its components. And the results, in my opinion, turned out to be more than interesting:

Demo’s property

“Do you have… another one?” – and so on all the time. I’m tired of these words, they irritate me… Yes, I take a joke, I am pleasant questions of this kind – because the person is jealous. But! All there is a limit, and to start any communication with her with the words “well, how, found a new girlfriend?” or “cheater!” – is just idiotic. All this without the slightest reason, while – that we’ve been married for 2 years! Why can’t we just live happily ever after?”

Vadim is 34 years old, married for 2 years.

“Demo” – property – is a component of the “mistress complex”, namely “probing” on the part of the mistress of her partner, on the subject of “are you ready to be mine entirely? Are you ready to fulfill only my whims and prove love? Are you sure?”. This manipulative technique comes from the “inferiority complex” in relationships, namely from the fact that the mistress at the moment, has no guarantees and actual rights to her partner, unlike his wife (a woman whom the partner recognized legally – i.e. concluded a marriage with her).
The technique of “demo” – property, as well, often used by insecure wives who were either in their past in the place of mistress (and know this kitchen), or adopted for themselves such a style of behavior (and therefore ready to become a mistress, for example, in retaliation for her husband).
The manifestation of “demo”-ownership is a fixation, an inability to let go of the situation, which can lead to disorders of various kinds, not to mention the destruction of the marriage.

The “pregnancy” hoax

Even a person far from medicine realizes that getting pregnant – for a woman, it is possible even with the most protected sexual contact. But as part of the “mistress complex” – the tactic of “paternity test” is more than popular and even the main component.

“Honey, I’m late …” – I hear it once a month. It’s not that I’m indifferent… I didn’t think about it since we’ve only been together for 4 months. The first month – it was all happy and wonderful, but then I heard that phrase and started to worry. Not because I was afraid, just not ready for such a serious step as a divorce from my favorite wife, and … now. Moreover, I am not so settled now, and financially – not stable.
…After the first time – everything went well, I calmed down, but came the second … and then the third. At first I thought it was a disease, then nerves on her part, then, thought about sexual incompatibility – this is before I realized that all this deception and pressure to make me marry her.
…Now, I’ve made the decision to split up. I’ll tell her tomorrow.”

Anatoly is 27 years old, married for 2 years, dating his mistress for 4 months.

Such statements on the part of the mistress – in the case of deception – are aimed at arousing in the person a sense of responsibility and forcing or pushing him, under this influence, to make a responsible decision (namely, to take responsibility for what happened).

Such techniques are initially lost, because they are based on “pure” deception, which can be revealed at the most “unprepared” moment on the part of the mistress. But her desire to put her partner in a dependent position and her own insecurity are so strong that the mistress takes such a decision in one relationship and even more than once.

“Cash Flow.”

The “lack of money” and material goods in the combination that makes up the “mistress complex” takes on a distinctly painful form. And in the end, the meaning of the relationship between the participants is reduced to the financial issue. And the mistress justifies it in this way:

“I – always wanted to be his wife. He’s smart, handsome and has a sense of humor. But he’s married and doesn’t want to leave his family. I didn’t wait and got married too. Strangely enough – in marriage I am happy, I have a caring and loving husband. But I believe that my lover should compensate me for the “lack of his love” – financially. He also understands this and buys me fur coats, finances current expenses, vacations. Soon, he plans to buy me a car. And my husband is sure that I am a successful businesswoman.

Alyona 28 years old, married for 3 years, mistress for 3,5 years.

On the part of a man, spending money on a mistress is perceived as normal, but the limit of her “requests” should not exceed his financial capabilities, otherwise the relationship in most cases ends or turns into passive-aggressive attacks on each other.

In addition, this component of the complex – caused by the fact that the mistress, as a person, failed. Realization is a projection of failure on love relations. And in this case, the mistress adopts a “parasitic” way of life (“content me”) and elevates it to the status of normal. In other words, money – as an end in itself – is a direct infringement of the woman’s personal growth. Later, this way of life transforms into a habit and behavioral style.

Humiliation of regular women, wives

This component – is as much of a drag on the “mistress complex” as the previous ones.

“…Oksana constantly humiliates my friend’s wife, Victoria, when we meet to go to a café together. Victoria is a cheerful, kind and erudite young lady, but she constantly takes offense at Oksana. And I’ll tell you why. Constantly listening to phrases like “… yes, chickens sitting at home – will never become swans in the sky, because they sit in the barn. And what man wouldn’t admire a swan?” Victoria, I respect. Yes, and, after all, she’s my friend’s wife. Oksana is just a mistress. Yes, I would not connect with her for many reasons! … But what does one have to do with the other? Insulting people is a wrong position, which will not help her in any way in her relationship with me.”

Vladislav is 35 years old, married for 6 years, with Oksana for 1 year.

The process of humiliating regular women or wives – has several facets.
One of them is an outburst of aggression on the part of the mistress, which is provoked by dissatisfaction and, as a consequence, resentment towards: the situation, herself, him, his wife, permanent women of male acquaintances. Therefore, this aggressive outburst can touch as a partner – and spoil his “holiday of life”, inflaming the situation, it would seem, already established relationships or other, even random people. Such behavior is common either in lovers with experience of 3 to 5 years, or in beginners.
The second is self-assertion, at the expense of humiliating the permanent woman, the wife.
The third is convincing herself that wives are in a more humiliating situation than she is.

“What can be said about wives in general? They are not worthy of love only because they are “gray mice” – huddled in their hole and waiting for their husband’s salary. What normal man needs that? Stuck up, tedious, complaining and with a sour face in the evenings…”

Maryana, 31, divorced, mistress “with experience”, the fourth time in a love triangle – the last relationship lasted 2 years.


“I am a confident, beautiful and free woman. I have a beautiful car, an apartment in the city center and all the clothes from boutiques. I am worthy of the best and ready to give a holiday to “him alone”. None of my lovers – I did not cheat, I always understood their concern for their wives, always listened to their moods and wishes in bed. I am bossy, so, lovers just replaced one another. And I realized: what is really – mine! I felt a taste for life – and I am happy with myself, proud of myself!
I am the future of love. I’m like from the cover of a magazine and outwardly, I do not give more than 23 years old”.

Anna, 36, divorced, mistress for 8 years.

I recommend you to read my article “Women in Sales”: practical experience of effective sales”. The essence of the article is that the “female method” of sales is first of all “pitching/selling/presenting” yourself, and then the product. How to distinguish where the extreme, and where is still the norm of real selling yourself?
Returning to Self-Promotion, it consists of two stages of realization. The first is just the technique of autotraining “love yourself” or “believe that you are beautiful – and others will believe it”. And the second is “inform others about it, praise yourself, demonstrate love for yourself”.
For a certain category of men – it works, as well as public opinion, for example, “all men want her, and I want too” – he thinks. The calculation in the use of “self-promotion” – mainly for simpletons, fashionistas, young people with personal problems (communication, etc.) or “inferiority complexes” (more often on the issue of their own appearance).
Self-promotion is useful in moderation, but with the active use of this technique – it becomes a component of the “mistress complex”, which is popular with women with personal complexes or social problems (from the regional hinterland, not having a residence permit in the city, poor, from large families or vice versa – she is the only and spoiled child).

Competition (painful)

striving against all odds to be the best

According to the results of the CSP study, diagnostics of women who have been mistresses in their lives – recorded the presence of the so-called “competitive fervor”, i.e. the propensity for competition, competition with friends, acquaintances and even strangers.
Topics for competition, as a rule: clothes, jewelry and general appearance, men, position, work, level of recreation.
Also, according to CSP, people with a tendency to compete are envious.

The technique of “competition” can be safely considered as a part of the “lover complex”. For a mistress with such a complex competes not for the sake of self-improvement (which could positively affect her personal growth), but for the sake of doing “spite” to everyone else, and proving her undeniable superiority.

“When you grow up and have nothing but your sister’s old jeans, that’s the line. People cross it and need it and remember that time forever. I’m like that. But I’ve been lucky. I met Him and He -bought me a bunch of stuff that I’ve just never seen in such an assortment in one place. I’m his mistress, and I’m happy. I look like a Barbie who’s had her chance. And my friend – the same situation remained… I was embarrassed to socialize and walk with her, as she is drastically different in dressing style from me. I gave her some of my clothes. But I should still look better. I’m prettier, and it’s simply to my credit – her current appearance…..
A couple days ago, I did an interesting thing, by the way. I gave a friend the same blouse I bought for myself. I brought it to her, handed it to her, and then accidentally poured coffee on it. I still have one, and she won’t let herself buy a new one. Let her feel and appreciate the hand of the giver…”.

Valentina 27 years old, lover for 5 months

To summarize, the “mistress complex” consists of the following elements:

  • Demo’s property
  • The “pregnancy” hoax
  • “Cash Flow.”
  • Humiliation of regular women, wives
  • Self-promotion
  • Painful competition, striving against all odds to be the best.

Most of the above items present in a woman indicate her potential propensity for a “love triangle” relationship under the right circumstances, even in the face of non-acceptance of such thoughts at this point in time.

According to CSP

1. Men who have mistresses, out of 100%:

– 62% have mistresses;
– 20 make up their existence.

– are of age themselves:

up to 40 – 38%;
up to 50 – 59%.

2. Women who were mistresses:

A). 20% before marriage;
during marriage – 36%;
after marriage, 60%;
B). under the age of 30 – 26%;
after 30 years 53%;

3. Have a desire / inclination to be a rich man’s mistress / have a young and beautiful mistress:

Women, 97%;
Men – 90%.

In conclusion, I will say that the “lover’s complex” described by me is a factor that significantly prevents the lover from being comfortable for herself in the conditions of the “triangle”. At the same time, the word “comfort” means the absence of inner (mental) disharmony and inconsistency, the presence of the feeling of fullness of feelings, emotions and the feeling of happiness. “Mistress complex”, if present, can be deep inside or actively expressed in the behavior of the mistress – which depends on the individual characteristics of the woman: age, presence of children, status, sphere of activity and social security.

In addition, the presence of the above-described complex in a woman is a kind of a warning bell that heralds the danger of various disorders.
However, it is also important to take into account that millions of mistresses do not have such a “mistress complex” and realize their “peculiarities of position” without any damage to their health.

Psychologist – personologist, physiognomist
Anisimova Alisa

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